Lately, I seem to have been robbed of my ability to even.
By that I mean do ANYTHING whatsoever that isn’t mandatory or requires energy. I’ve spent A LOT of time sitting in my office or on my bed staring at the ceiling. Or the walls. Or a screen. Or the cat. Anything, really.
I have not spent enough time doing work or taking care of myself. I’m miserably behind at work, frequently late, and my boss is not impressed with me. I can’t seem to do tasks like remembering to pay rent and eat food and oh my god return all the clothes you bought online that don’t fit, you complete moron, despite having thoughts like that over and over again. I’m pretty sure I haven’t done the dishes in three weeks. The Amazing Charlotte (yup, that’s her name now) came over once and directed my cleaning while playing the Jeopardy theme song, but I can’t exactly rely on that.
All of this has caused me to withdraw from the world, both socially and professionally, IRL and online. I’ve spent a considerable amount of time with my two best friends, but other than that I very much want to be alone. I had to prioritize some things over others and make some tough decisions, decisions which have not been fair to those around me, and I feel terrible about those. I can guarantee you that I’ll probably regret them. But they are necessary for now.
I silently disappeared from my best friend’s life because I found out that maybe he’s not EXACTLY the person I thought he was. Everyone makes mistakes, but this one requires some thought. Because this one says something – about us, and about his character. And because I regard him so highly and love him more than he wants me to, but there are times, like this, when I feel like he doesn’t regard me at all. An oversight.
This is the kind of thing that I told myself I would NEVER do, especially since it’s been done to me so many times in my life. Everyone at least deserves a conversation for peace of mind. Some kind of explanation. But what would I even say? “I can’t even?”
I am sorry for my inability to speak and my cowardice, and most of all I’m sorry that I ruined something beautiful, even if it wasn’t what I wanted.
I’m sorry for him and I’m sorry for me, too. I needed him more than he needed me. And now I can’t talk to this person that I love so much anymore. I can’t help but feel like I just shot myself in the foot.
Charlotte says that I’m being ridiculous, that he does need me, more than either of us think, and it’s only a matter of time before he shows up at my door or something. I like to hope for that, but I was in a situation like this once before, and it didn’t end that way.
Maybe she’s right. Maybe he will make my dreams come true and come to agree with my internal monologue:
Congratulations, idiot. You lost your best friend. Is this what you wanted to happen? Would it have been SO hard to keep having sex with her AND hang out with her, so you could keep all the parts you liked without hurting her and making her feel like she wasn’t enough for you? Or at least cuddle? WOULD THAT REALLY HAVE BEEN SO HARD? Am I THAT bad?
And do something super dramatic and awesome to get me back. Or, you know, just ask.
But unless that happens, I need to swallow the pain and wait until time does what it’s best at and allows me to become less and less attached. Then maybe we can be friends. THAT was how my last situation ended. Walking away was the only thing that worked. Maybe that’s the best I can hope for without sacrificing my self-esteem.
This situation overall has been disturbing me greatly over the past few months, but subtly, bubbling under the surface. I haven’t wanted to admit that perhaps this could be the cause of my I-can’t-even-ness, because it didn’t seem like it was. He makes me outrageously happy. He’s my favourite person right now and I love him. I miss him with an aggressive intensity that seeps into every corner of my life.
And I am sad. Sad but at least a little bit more productive. Hanging out with him was the best thing ever, but here I have walked away and all of a sudden I’m writing again. No way. Weird coincidence.
(Once, my roommate went on a drunk, emotional rant about how awesome I am and how I don’t need a man because I need to focus on saving the world and doing cool things. Maybe Drunk Melissa is right. Maybe I AM meant to be alone.)
This is hard to say publicly because I didn’t want to believe that he could hurt me deeply. Because I think that I should be above this by now. Stronger than this by now. Smart enough to stop loving someone this much once they tell you to stop by now. So, honestly, I’m kind of embarrassed. And I don’t want him to pity me or look down on me more than I think he already does, lest I feed his ego. We don’t need that.
But I’m doing it anyway, because you guys deserve the best version of the truth that I can give you. Honesty has always been my thing. Although some people give me shit for it, honesty made my career. I’m not going to stop now.
I’ve been feeling so many things (and yet, not feeling enough) and I have had no way of putting those feelings into words well enough.
I still don’t.
I know that this is only a partial explanation. But at least I have found a way to sum up all of this with the simple acknowledgement that I can’t even. Sort of.
I’ve tried a couple of times to make a video version of this post because I think you guys deserve ‘more’, but I couldn’t, so this is what you have. I’m sorry that I don’t have a better explanation than this story about some boy. I wish I did. I also wish that one person didn’t have this strong of a hold on me. But there really is no other reason I can pinpoint, other than another flare-up of dysthymia and social anxiety (so, the usual).
I am very, very sorry for my absence. I think that I will be posting more on here, though I can’t guarantee anything. There have been a few days over the past few months where I’ve thought I’d gotten over this slump but hadn’t. But I think this time it will stick.
I mean, I can’t stare at the ceiling FOREVER, right? I have to get bored eventually.
“I’ll leave my window open,
‘Cause I’m too tired now to call your name.
Just know I’m right here hoping
That you’ll come in with the rain.”
-“Come In With the Rain”/Taylor Swift
(because it’s not one of my posts without Taylor Swift lyrics that basically sum up what I just said better than I ever could, is it?)
Chelsea Ricchio is the founder and Editor-in-Chief of the SPEAK OUT blog. She is also the Communications Manager for Healthy Minds Canada. She graduated from the University of Toronto in 2015 with a BA in English Literature and Book & Media Studies. She was the former president of the student group Active Minds at UofT, which hosts SPEAK OUT events on campus (from which this blog takes its name). She was diagnosed with Dysthymia and Social Anxiety. She is 22 and lives in Toronto with her cat Genie and her roommate.