Around six months ago, on my 18th birthday, I uploaded a video to Facebook. I wish I could say it was a video of me being surprised by friends, or blowing out candles on a cake, or some other typical birthday thing, but no, it wasn’t anything like that at all. It was me sitting on a red couch in one of my residence’s common rooms in my pajamas, trying not to cry as I talked to my computer. Clearly, I’m a badass motherfucker and I live life on the edge.
Well, sometimes I feel like that. Sometimes I feel like a ballin’, adventurous risk-taker who wants to try cool new shit, but most of the time, I don’t. Most of the time, I just feel like plugging my ears up with some This American Life and sleeping the days away.
I had the tiniest smidgen of hope that my birthday of all days would at least be a little brighter, but it really wasn’t. I didn’t celebrate, didn’t get any calls from friends or family, or get any presents except a card and a chocolate bar (from my residence floor’s birthday reps and my don, respectively). And I definitely don’t want to sound unappreciative of the minute, but nevertheless existent, efforts of those who wished me happy birthday on my Facebook wall.
At first, I was totally fine with how the day was turning out, because after all, it was just like any other, but as I sat alone YouTubing in my room that night, I realized how fundamentally sad it really was. I mean, it’s totally okay to be content with not doing anything special on your birthday and just chilling by yourself, but to me, it wasn’t okay, because I chose to close myself off from people. I wanted to ditch my reluctant, paranoid, and depressed high school self. University was supposed to be a fresh start, but I wasn’t changing for the better and I really, really wanted to. So I guess that was the impetus for a miraculous stroke of bravery that led me to decide to make a video about my experiences and how I was feeling.