BY CHELSEA RICCHIO
I’ll be honest, my blog is late this week because I simply could not get my thoughts together in time yesterday. And I still am debating whether or not to post this because it is still such a jumble and some of it feels like self-indulgent whining, but I think I will because I think honesty is important. I made a commitment to write every week about what’s on my mind, and this is what has been plaguing me for the past two weeks, whether I like it or not (I don’t).
I used to think about my never-ending pursuit of love constantly, and for the past couple of years I’ve been thinking about it a lot less, or at least in a different way. I moved back to the city, I was having fun, making new friends, and I did have a couple of short relationships that just ‘happened’ when I wasn’t really looking for them.
But now that I’m living on my own, it’s all I can think about again. All I can think is, “I am enjoying this, but I do not want it to last forever.” I’m afraid that I’m going down a path that will end up being not just a fun experiment or chapter in my life but the whole story. Without the distraction of another person around all the time I am thinking about my past relationships and how much I miss them. I think about these people who acted like they loved me for a couple of months and then stopped.
And I keep thinking about the fact that all of my exes are in those happy, healthy, loving relationships that I want so badly.
Those thoughts were stronger than ever yesterday, on the same day that my most recent “proper” relationship ended a year ago (I don’t date a lot, clearly). I wish I could do some kind of “IT WAS ALL FOR THE BEST, LOOK HOW GREAT MY LIFE IS NOW, DON’T GIVE UP KIDS” post about that situation but I can’t. It wouldn’t be totally honest.
But I can say that my perspective on the situation has changed. Continue reading