Twinning With Taylor Swift (In The Worst Possible Way)

BY CHELSEA RICCHIO

Taylor Swift and I both broke up with our boyfriends recently.

You may be thinking, “Wait, you had a boyfriend?”

And I don’t blame you, because the relationship was so short that I didn’t have time to tell a whole lot of people about it.

I keep trying to write about my feelings on the situation so I can heal but for some reason the words just aren’t coming out. I think this is because there is one version of this story that I am comfortable talking about, the one in which I believe whatever I need to in order to feel okay about things – the one in which I believe whatever he says – but there is another version that I could barely even think about until now.

That’s the version in which I realize that I still do not have the full story, and the full story probably isn’t going to make me feel okay about anything. The full story is probably full of half truths and lies of omission and someone who doesn’t care even half as much as I thought he did (which was already only about half as much as I do). Continue reading

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Promises To Myself When I’m Alone

BY CHELSEA RICCHIO

All my life I have been scared to live alone. The closest I’ve ever come to it is when I was living in a dorm in first year of university, and I was pretty miserable.

I’ve been scared to be isolated, scared to be the only one responsible for taking care of myself, scared that without someone else helping me along my life will fall into a stagnant rut.

I’m still scared, but what I’ve been doing is no longer working for me, so I decided that I had to change something, kind of like an experiment, and I decided to start with my living situation.

Tomorrow* I move out on my own, but tonight I’d like to take a moment to make a few promises to myself in hopes that this experiment will be a success. Continue reading

The Real Thing

BY CHELSEA RICCHIO

When you’re heartbroken, people say that one day you are going to meet someone who will show you why it didn’t work out with anybody else.

And I’m happy to say that I think I found that, at least in a way.

I’ve mentioned before that I was with someone for three months who was also in a serious relationship at the same time.

I didn’t mention how great OUR relationship was. But yeah, I admit it – it was short, but it was great. And I don’t regret it. Morality aside, it gave me something that I needed, which was a picture of what I want my relationships to look like.

I’m okay with this situation ending the way that it did as long as something good comes of it. For him I hope that this helped him to figure out what he really wants and go after that with 110% of his efforts, and have the courage to move on if it doesn’t work out. And for me I want it to be that I never forget this. So here are my favourite things that happened, so that I have a record of it on this blog that is supposed to be the story of my life. Continue reading

Somehow That Was Everything

BY CHELSEA RICCHIO

Pretty much everyone in the entire world knows how much I love Taylor Swift, but this post has nothing to do with my love of her as a person or her music. Rather, it’s about the message of her new music video for “Out of the Woods”.

The video closes with the words, “She lost him but she found herself and somehow that was everything.” That is the ‘secret message’ hidden within the lyrics of the song “Clean” in the liner notes of 1989, which is widely beloved by fans and also chosen to close the 1989 World Tour (both the actual show and movie).

The fact that this came out on New Year’s means a lot to me personally because that’s what I want 2016 to be: the year that I figure out exactly who I am not in relation to anyone or anything else, whether that be a partner, friends, or a job. I began that journey in 2013, but this feels like it could be it.

The holidays (today especially) have been rough for me but this made me feel better. I hope maybe it will make you feel better too.

Remember that you are not the opinion of anyone else (no matter how well they know you, or how much they care about you), and it is possible to make the best of even the worst situations. YOU are everything.

Stars

Say you’ll remember me, 
Standing in a nice dress, staring at the sunset, babe
Red lips and rosy cheeks,
Say you’ll see me again, even if it’s just in your
Wildest dreams

This night is sparkling, don’t you let it go
This night is flawless, don’t you let it go

You’ll see me in hindsight, 
Tangled up with you all night
Burning it down
Someday when you leave me, 
I bet these memories follow you around
-“Wildest Dreams/Enchanted”/Taylor Swift

BY CHELSEA RICCHIO

It’s the day before New Year’s Eve, and I’m lying in bed with an adorable boy. His arms are around me and he’s falling asleep. I am staring up at the lights that hang above my bed, and I smile because they look like stars. Life could be worse.

He pulls me closer and I am so grateful for this moment, even though I know that it is fleeting.

tumblr_myyitbQSWF1qc4uvwo1_500We’ve just been cuddling for a while, and that’s all we’ve done today because I am in the middle of a depressive episode and I’ve already used most of my energy for the day in an effort to be a real person (shower, eat, clean the litter box, feed the cat, pick things up off the floor, and so on and so forth).

I also have a cold, but lying next to him I almost forget. It’s easier to breathe and the pain in my muscles is gone. With this thought, I have a brief moment of deja vu – I’m lying in bed with someone else 51 weeks ago, and I have a cold and I am having this exact same thought.

I sit up suddenly and I say, “Do you ever have years where at the end of them, you feel like you haven’t accomplished anything?” Continue reading